Physical Address
Towne Church
3722 Towne Blvd.
Middletown, OH 45005
Last year was a tough year for my family. In July of last year, my wife’s grandfather passed away. He lived a good and long life. In his later years, he suffered from dementia and cancer.
A few months later, my stepfather passed away. A tree had fallen over from a recent storm, and he took a chainsaw to cut up the tree. It seemed so appropriate that his last moment in life was cutting a tree. Growing up, it seemed like we spent more time cutting firewood than anything. Fortunately, his death was not due to a chainsaw injury; he had a stroke before he had a chance to pull the string on the saw.
A day after my stepfather’s funeral, my wife’s father died while in the hospital. Bill had suffered from Parkinson’s disease for about a decade. He became ill with COVID, which led to pneumonia, and then he was hospitalized. It was a tough and emotional week for the entire family, but we were also somewhat relieved because Bill’s quality of life had significantly declined within the last two years of his life.
The most brutal hit was a few weeks later. My wife got a call from my best friend’s wife. All she could say was, “It’s Rodney.” Nothing else needed to be said.
Rodney and I were roommates in college and have remained friends for almost 30 years. We were the best men in each other’s weddings. We did life together. We always spent New Year’s together, rotating which household would host each year. We went on vacation together. We sharpened one another. Several years ago, he began having chronic migraines. Eventually, he was prescribed some powerful medication. He began self-medicating with prescription drugs and alcohol. A tremendous change occurred in his life. He had become a different person, or perhaps the worst part of himself, and took his life.
Grief is not linear. A timeline with markers does not exist when a person grieves. Grief is not a cycle – that would be torture. James R. White describes the grieving process more like a spiral. Clinton writes, “Grief is a transformational, multidimensional, and unique experience; no two people experience grief in exactly the same way.” A grieving person can either spiral upward or downward. Those who are able to spiral upward in the grieving process will feel much of the same feelings during the process; however, those who spiral upward will come to the point of acceptance. Those who spiral downward will experience bitterness and despair. The process begins with feelings of shock, numbness, and/or disbelief. A sense of emptiness may be experienced after the shock. Those spiraling upward will respond to the emptiness with solitude. Emptiness for others results in isolation. Both may develop feelings of anxiety, guilt, or shame. Those feelings for a person spiraling downward may also be accompanied by fear. For those experiencing grief healthily, anger may be accompanied by irritability. Others will experience animosity with anger. Not everyone will experience anger. Those whose grief spirals upward will have feelings of sadness that trends toward acceptance. For others, sadness turns to despair. For either, various circumstances can change the trajectory of the spiral. Those spiraling upward in their grieving process may have a life experience that causes them to spiral downward. The same can be said for those who are spiraling downward in their grieving process.
The truth about loss is that no one truly understands another person’s experience. Grief is different for everyone – it is a unique, individual journey. For all people, loss and grief are a part of the human experience. For most, we are able to move on. Clinton writes, “Often, the bereaved are resilient and have developed life skills that help them integrate the loss in a meaningful way.” In his book, The Complete Guide to Crisis & Trauma Counseling, Wright provides practical steps to help individuals experiencing grief following a loss, particularly a relationship loss. The first step involves creating a historical timeline of events throughout the relationship. The timeline should include both positive and negative memorable events. The second step involves writing about each of those events. Write a paragraph for each event, describing the reason the moment is important and memorable. The third step is hard but necessary. The grieving person should talk about how their lost loved one died. This will help minimize delusions while preparing the bereaved for the reality of their loss. Personally, it took about six months before I could talk about how Rodney died without being overwhelmed with emotions. There is a family at the church I serve who lost their 31-year-old son to a rare and aggressive illness. Their loss occurred over two years ago, and neither parent is still able to talk about his death. Step four involves acknowledging the changes that are necessary to carry on with your own life. Step five is developing new ways to function. My mother-in-law spent the last ten years putting life on hold while she cared for my father-in-law. Whole family vacations were no longer possible because of lost mobility and he was often confused. The grandchildren were sometimes afraid to be around him. However, a few months after he passed, she felt free. She realized she was able to live her life without it being centered around providing care for him. The sixth step is to decide on what sacred moments or rituals experienced with that person that should remain. For example, Rodney and I started fly fishing while we were in college. Over the years, we have become very skilled at fly fishing and fly tying. On a recent trip to visit his family, his wife insisted I take whatever I wanted of his. I took all his fly tying material, a Stetson fishing hat, and a specialized rod that I knew no one in the family would ever use. In recent months, I have intentionally fished alone as it has become more sacred. The last step is to reinvest one’s emotions. This does not suggest replacement; that is impossible. However, it does mean trying to transfer the emotions felt for something or someone that is no longer tangible toward something or someone tangible. For the believer, there is hope through Jesus Christ and guidance by the Holy Spirit. Paul reminds the believer that those who have Christ do not grieve the same as those without Christ (1 Thess. 4:13). As brothers and sisters in Christ, followers of Jesus have access to a network of other believers in the kingdom. Among other believers, one can embrace one another in moments of rejoicing and moments of weeping (Romans 12:15).
